Troubles

      I love everything. I love my family, I love my friends, I love my spiritual family, my church, I love my past experiences for they have made me who I am, and I love who I am. No, don't worry, this isn't a suicide note. I would be too scared to kill myself, even if I wanted to, which I don't. I have much to look forward to. I want the whole picket-fenced picture. Maybe 4 kids, 2 boys and 2 girls, so they each have someone to play with. I want my kids to play with my best friend's kids and grow up with them. I want a loving husband, a soulmate, who respects me for who I am, but also loves me and wants to protect me from any harm. I also want a husband who is loveable; who has his quirks, and yes, is very self-confident, but can take a suggestion. I don't want to have a mean family that argues all the time, I don't want a cheating husband or a bratload of selfish, disrespecting, disobedient children. I know also that there is no such thing as a perfect family, but that doesn't stop me from wanting a good one. I want a well-paying job, co-workers that I enjoy being stuck at a job with, and I want to be a just person. I want to be disciplinary, but not abusive; loving, but not spoiling; a mother, but not an overbearer. I want to be in perfect sync with my husband, and enjoy life with him on a spiritual level, not just physical.

       But, with all these loves, I also hate everthing. I hate that my family is sometimes abrasive, ignorant, and uncaring, that I almost never see my friends, and that I only have a social life in my church, with my spiritual family. Even though I met a guy there who's 5 years older than me, and may or may not like me in a way that could become permanent, and probably doesn't know that I'm 5 years his junior, which is also something to hate. I hate my past experiences, for they make me look like a silly, blundering child. I hate who I am because I'm not a perfect, self-confident person growing in to a friendly, self- and others-aware woman. I wouldn't kill myself still, though, for I want to see how this picture of my life turns out. Will it end in utter misery and will I be happy to leave? Will I be happy to go, but still enjoy my life? Will I fight to the very end to stay in this world? I also want to see certain desires fulfilled. I want the picket-fence life, the honoring, adoring kids, the almost-but-definitely-not worshiping husband. I would hate that life, though, because it would probably be monotonous. I would hate a job that I'm stuck at, I would hate the bad things that happen in my family, I would hate that perfection is indeed unattainable in this life, and I would hate people stupid enough to think that they are perfect, to think that there are people who can be perfect, or that "perfect" is something completely different from what it actually is. I would hate the responsibilty of looking after a household, I would hate having to discipline my children when they do something wrong, and I would hate having to be constantly in everyone's lives. I think I might also hate sometimes that I believe marriage is permanent, and I might want just to leave and restart my life in a completely different way.

      But with all these loves and hates cancelling each other out, I have but one reason to live: to worship and glorify Christ. He put me here for a reason, As he has put everyone here for a reason, even the stubbornly unsaved. I feel so much that I cannot put into words, because there are no words in any language to sum up what I'm feeling. I love, I hate, I lust, I abhor, I am disgusted by, I cause disgust, I am in awe of, I cause awe in others. I want my life to be perfect, but I want it to be useful to GOD. I want my life to be a perfect, useful life for GOD.
      And God does everything (or allows something to happen) for a reason, so if my posts here seem opinionated, they're like that for a reason... He is in the ultimate control, so don't think that I have no affect on people, or that I should stop doing what I'm doing, because He made me like this, so I'm like this for a reason...